I’m Not Doing This With A Friend Chapter 81

 

I didn’t want to believe it. Jane had been spying on me? She’d even said her employer was Carson.

 

According to the recording, she was done being a watchdog.

 

But that didn’t change the fact that she’d been lying to everyone for the past year.

 

Betrayal flickered and flashed in her eyes.

 

First, the people I thought were family, then my few friends.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Had I done something to deserve this?

 

But I’m an idiot. I’m the kind of fool who doesn’t want to be away from people like you.

 

So I smiled hopefully, almost crying, and asked her.

 

“You aren’t, are you?”

Please say it wasn’t. Any excuse would do, any lie would fool me.

 

Just say no.

 

But the words that came out of those lips hit me in the face, too loud and too clear for me to avoid.

 

“I’m sorry. My selfishness has hurt you.”

 

Don’t apologize, please.

 

Just say the words. You’re not the one who spoke, it’s fabricated.

 

Or worse, that you were forced to do so by Carson’s threats.

 

“It’s true. I was a maid in the service of the Duke of Lysianthus, and I was brought here by order of Carson.”

 

At her confession, a flash of realization dawned on me. The note had been trying to tell me this.

 

“My acquaintance with you was more of a way to facilitate my work. Everything we talked about was relayed to him.”

 

…Was that so?

When you first met me, you talked about me like you knew me.

 

The way you kept stuttering like you said something wrong.

 

Asking me outright about my ideal type.

 

“I’m sorry. I know words can’t fix everything, but I just wanted to apologize. You can blame me, Leen.”

 

Jane.

 

Why are you crying when all I wanted to do was cry? Why do you have such a pained look on your face?

 

My lips moved of their own accord.

 

“…You told me before to watch out for Sera.”

 

My expression hardened as I stared at her.

 

“But it was you and Carson who I should have been watching out for.”

 

The sight of her tears made me furious.

 

“Don’t look at me like that. What are you doing, crying? I’m the one who’s been betrayed, not you!”

 

I pushed Jane away and turned to leave, unable to look at her face for long.

 

She grabbed my wrist.

 

“Stay here. I’ll leave the room.”

 

Ugh…

 

The grip on my wrist loosened. Jane wiped her tears with her sleeve, probably because I told her not to cry, and smiled weakly.

 

“It’s my fault, and if you leave, it makes it even harder for me to face you.”

 

I wanted to argue. What could be more humiliating?

 

“I’m not asking you to forgive me. No, you’re right that I can’t. I’m not going to ask for forgiveness because I don’t deserve it.”

 

On the subject of selling out her friends for money.

 

She met my eyes, not bothering to hide the redness at the corners of her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Swoosh, thud— 

 

Maybe it was my growing anxiety, but the sound of the door slamming seemed louder today.

 

To my dismay, Jane didn’t even offer the usual excuses.

 

She needed the money, I couldn’t help it. She could have said something.

 

After Jane left, it was Carson that came to mind.

 

Caon. I thought you were different from Rex Begonia. If you liked me, you shouldn’t have done what you did.

 

The irony of it all was, I was madder at myself than I was at Carson and Jane, who were the ones who did the wrong.

 

After all, I’ve told you I don’t like being watched. I shudder to think of Rex Begonia and Erhan.

 

The urge to bury the story was overwhelming. To pretend it never happened, that things were as they were.

 

I had given them too much of myself to cut them off forever.

 

“Jane, what do you expect me to do if you admit you’re wrong so readily…”

 

Your excuses have made it hard for me to forgive you.

 

Jane. Without you, the only person I could confide in, who would I have to go to?

 

Fjord, your childhood friend with Carson? Hans, who has a crush on you?

 

My brother, Luca? Perhaps I could trust Kun?

 

But the thing was, I felt most comforted when I talked to you.

 

I guess I was leaning on you a lot.

 

Funny, right? I’ve only known you for a year, and I’m relying on you so much.

 

My heart aches like it’s breaking, but strangely, I haven’t cried.

 

I lifted my hand and slapped my cheek. The harsh sound of friction cuts through the air.

 

It hurts. Too much.

 

It made me wake up. Tears welled up in my eyes from the pain. Don’t be a softy, Leen, and pull yourself together.

 

‘They’ve been playing tricks on you. To forgive them so easily?’

 

I repeated it over and over hypnotically.

 

No, I shouldn’t. It must not do so…

 

I sat down and curled myself into a ball. More than ever, I thought of my parents, who had died.

 

If only they were still alive, I would have someone to turn to.

 

Suddenly, a face flashed into my mind.

 

…Arcandus.

 

My old teacher and friend. Arcandus. If I needed you, would you pat me on the back again?

 

I often thought of you when I was struggling to survive alone in the Count’s house.

 

I know it’s selfish of me to only look for you when I need you.

 

But you were then and you are now. In the end, you were the only one left in my options, Arcandus.

 

You’d never ask me why I was crying, you’d just comfort me in silence.

 

🍃

 

The next day, I woke up and went to school as usual.

 

When Jane found me in the classroom, she burst into tears, wondering where I’d been all night. She ran out and never came back.

 

I don’t know what she’s going to do next.

 

After morning announcements, I got up like a machine and headed to Carson’s class.

 

There was so much I wanted to say to him.

 

Carson was bored, hunched over his desk, fiddling with something.

 

As if sensing my gaze, he turned his head. When he spotted me, he jumped out of his seat and stormed over to me.

 

“Leen, what are you doing here?”

 

Carson’s voice filled with excitement, obviously pleased to see me.

 

I slowly lowered my gaze to see what he was holding. It was a small-stuffed puppy I’d given him at the festival.

 

I reached out and took the stuffed animal from his hand.

 

There was no need to force it.

 

Simply by brushing against Carson’s palm, he effortlessly released mine.

 

Taking it, I stared at it for a moment, then snatched it up and tore it apart.

 

Given the crude quality of the doll, it wasn’t hard to separate the head from the body.

 

“…Leen?”

 

His eyes widened in surprise. I met Carson’s eyes and held the two broken dolls up for him to see.

 

His gaze flicked to the dolls, which lay in a heap on the floor, then back to me.

 

A look of disbelief.

 

“Leen, what happened?”

 

It was the question I’d been waiting for.

 

“Apparently Jane didn’t report what happened yesterday.”

 

“…What?”

 

I placed my hand affectionately on Carson’s cheek. I could feel him flinch in embarrassment through my fingertips.

 

“Did you really want to know that much about me?”

 

I slipped my hand from his cheek and grabbed his scruff. Then, with a rough tug, I pulled his face to mine.

 

Spitting out the emotion that bubbled up ferociously against his close face.

 

“Then you should have asked me directly, not in such a creepy way.”

 

Carson’s eyes darted aimlessly. His lips moved as if to say something, then closed.

 

“I know. You might as well say nothing. The only thing that’s going to come out of your mouth is an apology or an excuse.”

 

I smirked and chuckled lowly.

 

“I wonder if the information you got from her was even meaningful to you.”

 

His face, on the other hand, was contorting into a miserable grimace.

 

“I, uh… I’m sorry.”

 

“Shut up. Did I say I want to hear an apology now?”

 

At being told to shut up, he bit his lip so tightly I wondered if blood would leak out.

 

I hope you’re hurt. More than I do, I hope it hurts.

 

No, actually, I didn’t want him to hurt.

 

But if I didn’t tell him, I knew he’d feel so guilty for being so helpless.

 

So I spit out at you what I couldn’t say to Rex Begonia.

 

“You like me? Do you believe that? No, it’s just your filthy obsession.”

 

If you call that love, there must be something wrong with you.

 

I loosened my grip on Carson’s jaw, then grabbed his shoulders in a desperate attempt to hang on.

 

“I’m asking you to…”

 

My grip tightened, and my voice grew stronger.

 

“I’m begging you… please get the hell out of my life.”

 

Rex Begonia.

 

🍃

 

A week has passed since that day.

 

Rumors of my fight with Carson spread like wildfire across campus.

 

It was no wonder, since I’d stood in front of his class and raised my voice.

 

I went to school every single day, diligently. But I didn’t join any clubs.

 

It didn’t matter what happened to my club grades. After all, it was the reason I’d been avoiding Rex Begonia.

 

As I had asked, Carson never showed his face to me.

 

Just a single purple hyacinth flower was placed on my dormitory door every morning.

The purple hyacinth means ‘eternal love’ and…

 

‘And sorry.’

 

I couldn’t bear to see that flower in the morning, thinking about you, hurting from the words I spat.

 

Who the hell cares about whom?

 

“Hans.”

 

“Uh, huh?”

 

Hans stuttered, barely managing to answer. He was surprised that I’d spoken, since he’d kept his mouth shut since the incident.

 

“Jane.”

 

His eyes widened even more. He knows that I’m estranged from her, too.

 

“You don’t have to be distant from her because of me, you don’t have to look the other way…”

 

‘Please comfort Jane for me.’

 

I asked him a small favor and got up from my seat.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past week. Jane seemed to have accepted Carson’s offer to repay the family debt. And she had tried to confess it to me again several times.

 

I didn’t forgive her, but I understood her situation.

 

The debt her father owed from a failed business venture.

 

‘You were forced to take a leave of absence from the Academy to earn money. You didn’t have a choice, did you?’