A Scorching Day Chapter 33

“When I eat with you, drink chocolate milk with you, walk with you, talk on the phone with you… when I do those things with you, I’m so happy.”

Swoosh— The wind brushing through the branches carried a fresh scent and tickled his cheeks. Gawon quietly looked up at Ki Joon.

“But now, that’s not enough anymore.”

The sight of Ki Joon crouching down and groaning was nowhere to be seen. The serious gaze directed at him dulled all his senses.

“I want to keep missing you, and I want to tell you I miss you. And.”

Thump, thump. Somewhere, a heavy sound surged up and struck his ears. The heartbeat pounding in his chest rapidly grew in intensity.

“I want to link arms, hold hands, whisper in your ear, …and kiss you too.”

Each word from Ki Joon came rushing at him like a pitcher’s fastball, quick and precise. The way that guy charged forward was so utterly without hesitation.

“I like you, Gawon.”

Straightforward eyes. A truthful voice. His heart clattered and shook. His vision swam and his fingertips tingled.

The lukewarm spring breeze tickled the tip of his nose. Once again, a rain of petals fell, dusting Ki Joon’s head and shoulders. Even amidst this thick spring scent, Ki Joon’s fragrance remained distinct, undrowned.

Ki Joon.

Likes me.

It felt as if time had stopped. His confession, seeping warmly into his chest, swirled like petals caught in the wind.

His insides churned. It was a turbulence he had never once experienced before.

Ki Joon, standing before him with a few petals on his shoulders and radiating the most intense presence right in front of his eyes, was the first spring Gawon had ever encountered.

“…”

Gawon silently dropped his gaze.

He had never liked a man before. Since all the people who had trampled over Gawon’s life were men, aversion had actually come first. And yet, before the existence of Ki Joon, who threw his fastballs with such fervor, gender was miraculously not an issue.

Because Ki Joon knew about his family situation and still didn’t push him away. Rather than despising, ignoring, or loathing him like the others did, he was the only one who even changed the name of the cat he was raising, trying not to hurt Gawon.

But.

Gawon closed his eyes tightly. The bruise clearly visible on his mother’s face from a few days ago was vividly engraved in his mind.

They sometimes visited his mother as customers, and sometimes used her as an easily exploitable toy. They would catch his mother, who tried to escape the trap, in a flash and trample her brutally. They would grab his face as he tried to stop them, twist it this way and that, and hurl mockery at him. They were that kind of people.

The fear and revulsion that rose naturally were instinctive, overriding reason. Just hearing the words gangster or thug made his heart race. His breath would catch, his hands would flinch on their own, and his lips would tremble. Even just seeing the shadows of such people from afar, Gawon would take a long detour.

And Ki Joon was entangled with that kind of family.

The moment he got any closer to Ki Joon, the world they belonged to would come into sharper view, and Gawon hated and feared it to the point of death. He couldn’t bear to actually confirm Ki Joon belonging to that place. If he did, he felt it would truly become impossible to endure.

Because he wanted to keep liking Ki Joon. Because he wanted to cherish, as preciously as now, the warmth of a spring day that only this guy could show him.

He was aware that he was being cowardly. Ki Joon, who hadn’t made an issue of his family, he was pushing away by making an issue of his family.

Yet, hesitation ultimately kept Gawon silent. A heart that had been miserably crushed over a long time could not easily bloom.

Gawon, head bowed, spoke in a small voice.

“…I don’t think… I can do that kind of thing.”

We won’t be able to go on as we have been anymore. The fleeting dream had been beautiful, and that’s why it was all the more sorrowful. It seemed to be the result of coveting what was beyond his station. No matter how much he loved the warmth this guy gave him, he shouldn’t have been so greedy.

But still… I want to keep eating meals with you, Ki Joon. I wish we could sometimes go to the snack bar together and exchange kind glances when our eyes meet. He felt an overwhelming urge to say that, but Gawon kept his mouth shut.

“Ah… I got rejected. I guess I was too hasty after all.”

Ki Joon mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with his palm. Gawon bit his lip hard.

“…I’m sorry.”

“No, what are you sorry for. But, Gawon. Do you… feel uncomfortable around me now?”

Ki Joon asked in a cautious voice. After a moment’s hesitation, Gawon shook his head, and Ki Joon smiled brightly, as if he hadn’t just been rejected.

“That’s a relief. At least I avoided the worst.”

His heh heh laugh sounded innocent. Ki Joon took a step closer and placed his hand on Gawon’s head. Gawon hesitated for a moment, but then quietly accepted his touch.

“Then, can I keep trying by your side until you like me back?”

“…”

“Just treat me comfortably like you do now. Just don’t avoid me.”

Swish, swish. The gentle touch stroking his hair, and the voice asking him not to avoid him. For Gawon, who had pushed him away, all of it was hard to bear.

You were the only person who never judged me for my situation. And yet, here I am, using the environment surrounding you as a reason to push you away. Why can you be so warm and kind to me?

“No, don’t do that.”

Gawon turned his head away. Pulling his hand down, he deliberately spoke in a cold voice.

“…Don’t do that. Who am I for you to try so hard by my side?”

“Who are you? You’re Yoon Gawon.”

His harsh, dismissing voice trembled. But Ki Joon’s voice was calm.

“The prettiest, most handsome, and kindest person I know.”

“…What are you saying.”

“Your smile is pretty, the way you eat is pretty, the way you talk is pretty, and the way you walk is pretty. The way you study is devastatingly sexy.”

“Stop, stop.”

“The way you swear and hit is fiercely cool… Ah. Ow.”

In the end, he couldn’t hold back and slapped him on the back. Hit hard enough to make a smack, Ki Joon whined about the pain but was still smiling.

“It’s true, Gawon. No joke.”

“…”

“It’s my first time confessing to anyone.”

Even in his laughing eyes, even in his voice, deep sincerity was embedded. Despite being rejected, Ki Joon was busy encouraging the uncertain Gawon.

Because this guy was such a good person. So wonderful that he felt he didn’t deserve him. That’s why he hated himself for rejecting Ki Joon. He was also sick of the circumstances that forced him to reject him.

“You’re really good to me in so many ways… I’m sorry for upsetting you. So.”

His mouth felt parched. For some reason, his throat kept tightening. Unable to meet Ki Joon’s eyes, Gawon averted his gaze.

“From now on, let’s just… keep things moderate. We can still eat lunch together at school, like now. …If you’re okay with that.”

“…”

“But, let’s leave it at that.”

Gawon closed his eyes and swallowed a sigh. Even as he spoke, a corner of his heart ached. It felt like someone was slapping a red, raw wound with their palm.

“Meeting at night, calling before sleep, going out separately to hang out like this. After today… let’s not do that anymore.”

“…”

“Anything more will be hard on you. And I’ll become uncomfortable too. So….”

Eating with you, walking along paths where spring has fallen, watching movies, talking on the phone late into the night, wandering through harsh reality and nightmares and calling each other’s names…

How could I possibly dislike any of it. How could it be easy to cut off everything I had with you all at once.

Still, it seemed like the courteous thing to do for Ki Joon to make a clean break. If he couldn’t reciprocate his feelings, the right thing to do was to draw a proper line so Ki Joon wouldn’t suffer any longer. For the precious Ki Joon, who had honestly revealed his heart and approached him, so he wouldn’t suffer anymore.

“…Even if I have nightmares?”

A question suddenly burst from Ki Joon. At the suppressed voice he’d never heard before, Gawon flinched and looked up.

“…Huh?”

“If I have scary dreams… you said to contact you anytime.”

Ki Joon’s face was contorted as if he was about to cry. Gawon stared blankly at Ki Joon. It was the first time he’d ever seen the always relaxed and sly guy make such an expression.

“…Even if I have nightmares, I can’t call you?”

“…”

“Gawon. I’m sorry for surprising you so suddenly. But.”

Ki Joon bowed his head. The shadow cast from him fell over Gawon’s face. The large hands placed beside his flank repeatedly clenched and unclenched into fists. Every time he clenched his fist, his thick wrist with the bracelet trembled faintly.

“But if you won’t even let me see you… then from that point on, I think I’ll really be in pain.”

Ki Joon, his eyes creased painfully, bit his lip hard. His deep voice was trembling pitifully. Gawon’s heart sank heavily. This strong, solid person was bowing his head like this because of a single word from him.