Simmering Heat Chapter 9.1

Third-year university. Visual Design major. Head of the student council’s PR department. Tall. Youngest son. Lives alone. There were countless other flowery descriptions for Park Kiwon. But what should he be called now…? Chef? Babysitter? Or perhaps, boarding house owner?

Kiwon checked the perfectly cooked noodles and turned off the stove. He moved the hot pot to the low table and sat on the floor, glancing pathetically at the lump on his bed. Taeun was curled up in a blanket, looking like a cocoon.

“Hey, come eat.”

“…….”

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Not hungry….”

Then do something about your stomach growling. It had been rumbling loudly since morning, so his words held no weight.

That lump, Lee Taeun, had been camped out at Kiwon’s place for two days now. He’d shown up at dawn with nothing but his phone and a strange request.

‘Let me crash here for a few days.’

The same guy who’d been excitedly bouncing around just the day before now looked like a wreck. His eyes were bloodshot, and he wore a miserable expression. Kiwon had let him in without question. He’d asked what happened, but Taeun remained silent. It must have been something quite shocking. Kiwon didn’t press further, choosing instead to speculate.

He got up, leaving the steaming pot of ramen. Taeun had barely eaten anything yesterday, only drinking two glasses of water. Kiwon couldn’t leave him like this, if only for the sake of his own ears. He tugged at the tightly wrapped blanket. He could feel Taeun pulling back with equal force.

“Hey, I made ramen for you. Get up.”

“You eat five packs by yourself anyway.”

A muffled retort emerged from the thick blanket. Kiwon let out a disbelieving laugh.

“Who are you calling a pig? Just get up.”

“…I’ll take out the trash and do the dishes. You eat it.”

“Doing chores is a given when you’re imposing on someone. Now eat.”

“…….”

“If you’re not going to eat, then leave. Want me to take you home?”

Kiwon’s ultimatum worked. Taeun’s grip loosened, and the disheveled man slowly crawled out from under the covers.

“Give me kimchi….”

That was all he said. Kiwon shook his head, muttering “Crazy bastard” under his breath, but still retrieved the well-fermented kimchi from the fridge. Taeun plopped down onto the floor and shuffled over to the low table on his knees.

“Wow, your face looks like…”

Kiwon glanced at Taeun picking up his chopsticks and blurted out in surprise.

“What.”

“That, that white tire mascot from the commercials.”

Taeun’s eyelids, swollen as if he had a sty, barely stayed open. They hadn’t been that bad the night before, meaning he’d been crying for two days straight. Come to think of it, it had been the same during their humanities class yesterday.

‘Understanding Modern and Contemporary Korean History.’ 

Kiwon and Taeun had similar schedules, so their paths often crossed. At 2:57 PM, Kiwon had practically dragged a lifeless Taeun to their afternoon class. The 3 PM lecture hall was already mostly full, leaving only seats in the front row. Right in front of the professor. It wasn’t the ideal spot for someone in Taeun’s state, but they had no other choice.

The class began with a video detailing the fall of the Korean Empire and the brutality of Japanese colonial rule. After the lengthy video, the professor took the microphone again.

‘Following this, after enduring approximately 35 years of Japanese occupation, Korea faced the further tragedy of division. How should we view this painful history…?’

‘Sniff…’

A quiet sob, barely traveling two meters, dissipated into the air. The professor paused, his voice cut off mid-sentence by the sound of Taeun’s grief. Kiwon turned to look at him in bewilderment. Taeun was rubbing his eyes with both hands, lifting his head, and then rubbing them again.

‘Yes, naturally the first response is anger and sadness. Uh, typically in history lectures, we emphasize the importance of an objective, unbiased perspective… but regarding the occupation period, it’s difficult to maintain that…’

‘Sniff…’

‘…Furthermore, understanding how to articulate the anger we feel, to prevent such history from repeating itself, makes this section particularly important. Uh, turning to page two of the handout… The reality of Japanese colonial rule and the ideology of the independence movement…’

‘Hic…’

Fueled by Taeun’s soft sniffles, the professor delivered a passionate lecture. Taeun returned after a long bathroom break during the interval, no longer crying. He simply took meticulous notes on the tear-stained handout, finishing the class in silence.

‘Sob…’

Later that night, after they’d returned and Kiwon lay in bed with his back to Taeun, he heard him sniffling again, which eventually morphed into soft snores. Kiwon put in his earbuds and went to sleep.

And that brought them to the present.

Taeun silently slurped down his noodles. His movements were mechanical, more like refueling a car than enjoying a meal.

Buzz.

Taeun’s phone vibrated loudly on the table beside them. He ignored it, keeping his head down and focused on his ramen. The vibration rattled the table again.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Just like Taeun had been crying on and off for two days, his phone vibrated incessantly. Short bursts were texts, longer ones were calls. This one, judging by the sustained buzzing, was a call. Kiwon sat up, reached over, and picked up the phone.

[ㅗ]

There was no caller ID. But he knew who it was. He slid the phone across the table to Taeun.

“Answer it or turn it off.”

“…….”

Taeun picked up the phone and stared blankly at the dark screen. The incessant buzzing suddenly stopped. That made eleven missed calls. All from ㅗ.

Cha Jinhyun. Even seeing his name was difficult, so he’d changed it. It was a petty expression of anger. Cha Jinhyun had probably changed his name to ‘Pervert.’ The thought brought fresh tears to his eyes, so Taeun, following Kiwon’s advice, pressed the power button to turn off his phone.

[ㅗ: Answer the phone] 12:32

A message popped up at the same time. It was ㅗ again. The messages Jinhyun had sent over the past two days were filled with anger. Taeun hadn’t replied, but he’d dutifully read each one. Jinhyun was probably angrier that he’d read them and ignored him. But what did it matter now? Taeun scrolled up briefly to reread the previous messages.

[ㅗ: Where are you] 1:13

That was the first message, sent an hour after he’d made his disastrous confession and run away.

[ㅗ: Aren’t you coming home? Where are you?] 3:56

And then the next morning, when he woke up at Kiwon’s place, there were new messages and missed calls.

Taeun had hesitated then. Should he apologize and beg for forgiveness? He couldn’t stay at Kiwon’s forever. His laptop, his belongings, even his wallet were back at his apartment. He had to go back eventually. Yes, he’d apologize and go back. Taeun steeled himself, preparing to overcome the shame of his failed confession.

[ㅗ: I guess you’re going to ignore me again, but you know we have to see each other on Saturday, right?] 15:43

[ㅗ: Wouldn’t it be better if we talked first? Keep ignoring me and see what happens] 15:43

When he saw those messages and four missed calls after his humanities class, Taeun’s resolve crumbled. An apology wouldn’t fix this.

Saturday was their club meeting. Trapped with nowhere to run, he made a different decision. Just die. Taeun started looking for a tall building. He reached the tallest one on campus, the Social Sciences building, then turned around. He felt pathetic for not having the courage to follow through.

Slowly scrolling through the messages, Taeun suddenly stopped. A new message popped up at the bottom of the screen. A fresh, steaming warning.

[ㅗ: Answer before I report you for sexual assault] 12:37

[ㅗ: I’m not kidding] 12:37

He could almost hear Jinhyun’s voice in the text. He wouldn’t actually file a report, would he…? But it was a terrifyingly plausible threat. Taeun gulped.

“Hey, Kiwon.”

“What? Still haven’t turned your phone off?”

“What if…”

What if you forced a kiss on someone and masturbated in their room? Could you be sued for sexual assault?

Listing out his actions like that made him sound like a serious sex offender. Taeun swallowed his rising self-disgust along with the rest of his sentence.

“What? Spit it out.”

“Nothing…”

I guess death is the only option.

Even if he took a leave of absence, he had nowhere to run. The worst of the worst. Pushing down the renewed urge to jump off a building, Taeun started typing a reply. His first in 36 hours.

🔥

“The materials seem well-organized, so how should we divide the presentation parts? Jinhyun, maybe you could handle the marketing examples…”

“Asshole.”

The lively atmosphere at the group project table froze. The group leader stammered, “Uh…” Jinhyun, the one who’d shattered the mood, glared down at the table. His rigid expression, fixed on his phone, was chilling.

“Jinhyun. Uh, if you don’t want to, you can take another part.”

The group leader spoke after a few seconds of hesitation.

“…Oh.”

Jinhyun looked up at the sound of his name, then, realizing the situation, gave an awkward laugh. The iciness melted from his face, replaced by a feigned nonchalance.

“Wasn’t talking to you, hyung. I keep getting spam texts.”

“Oh, really? Man, you scared me. I thought you were talking to me.”

“You should keep those thoughts to yourself.”

“…….”

“It was a joke, but no one’s laughing.”

Jung Seungyeon, sitting next to him, lightly nudged Jinhyun’s arm. He didn’t react, turning his attention back to his phone. “So, uh…” the group leader struggled to restart the conversation.

Senior, I’m busy, I’m preparing for an internship, can someone take attendance for me? From the first class, this guy had been uncooperative, making excuses. It was ridiculous that he’d volunteered to be the group leader. Jinhyun pointedly ignored the leader’s nervous glances. He looked down at the reply from the real ‘asshole.’

[Lee Taeun: Can we do this over text..] 12:48

It was a laughable message. Pathetically meek, considering it came from the same guy who’d aggressively kissed him and run. Jinhyun unconsciously touched his lower lip, remembering the touch of lips – a clumsy, unaroused pressing of flesh, hardly a kiss. He recalled a very different Taeun from last night.

‘It’s you, you bastard.’

The trembling hands that had grabbed his collar, the quivering lips pressed against his, the heaving chest, the reddened eyes. All so unfamiliar.

‘That pathetic bastard is you.’

His first reaction to the sudden confession had been disbelief. Is he joking? He wondered if Taeun, embarrassed about being caught masturbating in his room, was just blurting out nonsense.

But looking at his face, he knew it wasn’t a joke. It didn’t make sense that Taeun would kiss him to cover up that embarrassment. On the contrary, if he accepted the confession as genuine, all the awkwardness and strange tension they’d shared suddenly clicked into place.

Like how Taeun always came out of the shower fully dressed, or how he’d fidget whenever they accidentally touched. It also explained why Taeun was doing that in his bed.

“…….”

The thought that he was the fuel for those frantic movements was unsettling. Since when? …Three years ago? Had Taeun been looking at him like that all along? Along with the bewildering question came a surge of betrayal. Betrayal that Taeun would throw him off balance, disrupt their relationship, and then try to ruin it again.

He and Taeun had known each other the longest. They were best friends, so close they could predict each other’s moves in their silly games. At least, they had been, until Taeun suddenly vanished. Jinhyun sighed. He wasn’t gay, and Taeun knew that. So even if the confession was true, it was pointless.

A question arose. He couldn’t understand why Taeun would confess his feelings. Honestly, he didn’t believe it. He wanted to ask Taeun if he was mistaken about something. There was another reason Taeun’s confession was so disconcerting.

Emotions were fickle, relationships were just role-playing. They were a source of amusement, a way to spice up a dull life, nothing more. That’s why he’d never invested too much in any of his relationships. Both parties played their roles, had their fun, and when they got bored, they moved on. They became strangers. There was nothing more foolish than getting caught up in fleeting emotions.

And this was the reason he’d been avoiding me?

Since being ignored after going to Taeun’s house three years ago, Jinhyun had intended to let their friendship go. Yet, he’d often found himself hovering over Taeun’s contact information, or wandering near his house, hoping for a chance encounter. He’d sometimes get angry and ruin drinking parties after hearing about Taeun seemingly doing fine without him.

He’d planned to confront Taeun after he returned to school, regardless of their sudden cohabitation. He wanted answers. Since they were practically attached at the hip at school and home, it wasn’t difficult to find him. He’d thought that regardless of whether they ended things or reconciled, their relationship couldn’t just end like this. It was unacceptable.

But now, Jinhyun felt foolish for caring about Taeun for the past three years.

Before the confession, he’d been willing to dismiss Taeun’s masturbation incident as a mistake. It was natural for a guy to masturbate; the only issue was that he’d done it in Jinhyun’s room. He’d planned to give him a warning while feigning slight drunkenness, and leave it at that. He hadn’t wanted to know the reason. But Taeun had ruined that plan, too.

[What time does your class end today] 12:49

With the group leader’s rambling in the background, Jinhyun typed out a message. He didn’t leave the chat window after sending it. Like a watchful guard in a panopticon, he waited for a reply.

[Lee Taeun: 4…] 12:54

[Lee Taeun: I’m really sorry but can we do this over text?] 12:54

After about a minute, the read receipt appeared, followed by a reply. His frustration subsided slightly now that they were communicating.

[Come home by 4:30] 12:54

Jinhyun ignored Taeun’s repeated pleas to talk over text. He sent the message and locked his phone, shoving it into his pocket. The meeting was wrapping up.

“So, shall we finish organizing the PowerPoint and write the first draft of the script today? We still have time, but is anyone busy today?”

“I can’t today.”

Jinhyun quickly announced his absence, addressing the group leader who was trying his best to manage the situation. He had time, but he didn’t want to stay with this guy and engage in pointless busywork. He knew the leader would make more excuses and disappear, leaving Jinhyun to waste his time on unnecessary tasks.

“I have a class…”

“Ah, I have an appointment too.”

Following Jinhyun’s lead, others started voicing their inability to stay. The group leader rubbed his nose awkwardly, looking defeated. “Then let’s just meet up before the next class. We still have plenty of time.” he concluded. Useless. Jinhyun stood up, grabbing his bag.

“Oppa, what about food?”

Jung Seungyeon walked beside him as they left the cafe. They hadn’t eaten yet, having met right after their morning classes. Jinhyun checked his watch. It was a reasonable time for a late lunch, but he wasn’t feeling it.

‘If you don’t mean it, don’t answer my calls at this hour.’

‘Calling me by my name affectionately when you don’t even like me… Don’t you think that’s wrong?’

“Ha.”

Jinhyun exhaled, Taeun’s voice echoing in his mind. So that was jealousy then. The lips that had spoken such flowery words while pretending to care about Seungyeon were incredibly brazen.

Lips… The memory of the kiss surfaced. Jinhyun chuckled softly. I kissed Lee Taeun. It was unbelievable.

“This is ridiculous, really….”

“…Eating is?”

Seungyeon, catching his quiet mumble, asked quizzically. Jinhyun looked at her, letting out an “Ah.”

“I’m eating at home today.”

“Oh… okay then. I was going to treat you this time.”

“Too bad.”

There was no real regret in his curt reply. Seungyeon looked at him, a puzzled expression on her face. “I’ll get going then?” she said. “Yeah, see you next time,” Jinhyun replied casually. Seungyeon turned and walked towards the back gate, disappointment evident in her steps. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He waved vaguely and checked the message.

[Lee Taeun: Okay] 13:07

[Lee Taeun: I’ll go home] 13:07

There was a pathetic air to the two blunt messages. Jinhyun stared at the screen, not replying immediately.

“This is ridiculous.”

He muttered the same words as before, summarizing his feelings over the past two days.

He wasn’t going to let Taeun slip away again. He hated ambiguity, and the budding sense of betrayal was growing stronger. Ignoring the situation wouldn’t solve anything. Let’s meet and settle this. That was Jinhyun’s conclusion.

Even so, there was only one answer he could give to that confession.

Taeun’s feelings didn’t justify his behavior, and Jinhyun felt no obligation to reciprocate. And to complicate matters, they were bound by a housing contract. It was a ludicrously awkward situation, but Jinhyun didn’t mind it. He had a general idea of why Taeun had avoided him, and with nowhere else to go, he couldn’t run away again.

Just one month of living together had made the three-year gap starkly apparent. Though things couldn’t go back to exactly how they were, the familiar comfort Taeun provided still resonated. So Jinhyun had thought that no matter the reason for Taeun’s disappearance, as long as he explained himself honestly, he would forgive him. He hadn’t imagined the reason would be romantic feelings. But now that he knew, he would hear it from Taeun himself and magnanimously forgive him.

So we’ll continue being friends.

He had absolutely no intention of getting entangled in a time-limited, ambiguous relationship with Taeun. This was entirely separate from his sexual orientation.

‘You were the selfish one first.’

Jinhyun rationalized it easily. He didn’t want to know how deep, how intense, how genuine Taeun’s feelings were. He didn’t need to know. The answer was already decided.

Even if I feel something, I’ll hold back. I’ll let it go.

Just don’t make the same mistake again.

🔥

I want to die.

“…….”

Taeun stood frozen at the door, gulping. He stared at the door lock, his body stiff. The area around his eyes, where he’d pressed cold spoons to reduce the swelling, was still puffy. His double eyelids were barely visible. Fuuu. He took one last deep breath and reached for the lock.

“…Ah….”

I should really just die.

Taeun lowered his hand and turned around. He couldn’t face Jinhyun right now. If I get charged, he won’t agree to a settlement… Then I’ll just go to jail and pay for my crime. Resigned to this drastic outcome, he walked towards the elevator and pressed the down button. As he waited for the elevator to reach the 7th floor—

Ding.

A cheerful sound rang out behind him. It wasn’t the elevator. The soft creak of the door hinges followed. Taeun turned his head stiffly, like a broken doll. Jinhyun stood leaning against the doorframe, staring at him with a blank expression.

“I was wondering when you’d come back. Running away again?”

His flat voice, like a drawn-out straight line, pierced Taeun.

He flinched and froze, his eyes involuntarily drawn to Jinhyun’s lips. He quickly looked away after briefly taking in the shapely mouth, the lower lip slightly fuller. He’d learned how soft and yielding those lips were. The realization mortified him.

“No… I was going to have a cigarette.”

“I saw you smoke three downstairs.”

His clumsy excuse was torn to shreds. Why was he watching…? Taeun licked his lips and looked down.

“…So, I was going to have another one…”

“Then let’s go together.”

Jinhyun slipped off his slippers, put on his outside shoes, and stepped out. Startled, Taeun hurried to block him.

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I have a headache, so I can’t smoke anymore. You go.”

“Really? I didn’t really want to smoke either. Come in then.”

Jinhyun smoothly changed his mind and stepped aside, opening the door and staring intently at Taeun. His gaze was firm. Like a prisoner being escorted, Taeun lowered his head and walked inside. Each step left an invisible footprint of wet, clinging embarrassment.

Taeun sat on the sofa, and Jinhyun sat next to him.

Unlike Taeun, who faced forward, Jinhyun sat sideways, giving him a clear view of the man who had assaulted him and run away. Leaning back against the sofa, Jinhyun silently observed Taeun.

His dark hair drooped, swaying just below his eyebrows. His normally hidden double eyelids were visible due to the swelling, and the tip of his nose was Rudolph-red. His lips, still slightly bloody from being bitten and chewed, were trapped between his white teeth.

It had only been two days, and he already looked a mess. …Because of him. A strange, neither good nor bad feeling washed over Jinhyun. He gently brushed his thumb against the skin under Taeun’s eye.

“Have you been crying?”

Taeun flinched at the touch and pulled away, then gave a small nod. The movement was listless, as if all his energy had been drained. Jinhyun withdrew his hand.

At first, he was dumbfounded, then angry, and finally, betrayed. None of his feelings towards Taeun were positive. Yet, seeing his pathetic state up close extinguished his anger like cold water dousing a flame. I feel like I’m being played… Jinhyun took a shallow breath, choosing his words carefully.

“Look at me.”

“Why….”

“So I can talk to you.”

“…I’m so embarrassed I want to die right now, so can’t we just… do this later…?”

Taeun’s voice trailed off, barely audible. It was a mumble, like an echo resonating in a cave. His eyes darted around, and his lips twitched. He seemed to have something to say. As Jinhyun expected, Taeun hesitantly voiced a shy question.

“…How did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That…”

“That you were jerking off in my room?”

“…Yeah…”

Silence fell after his monosyllabic answer.

Taeun stared wistfully at the balcony. Maybe it’s not too late… While he entertained thoughts of death, Jinhyun simply sighed, his thoughts unreadable.

“…I’m sorry.”

“…….”

“I apologize…”

Taeun apologized first.

He should have said that from the beginning. He swallowed his regret along with the saliva in his mouth. He could easily guess what Jinhyun was thinking, what images were flashing through his mind. Taeun’s face flushed crimson.

“That day…”

Jinhyun’s low voice broke the long silence.

“You said you had a group meeting.”

“So I thought you wouldn’t be coming home…”

“And you thought I wouldn’t be coming home… so you masturbated in my room?”

“…….”

“It’s scary to even think about leaving you alone in my house.”

His chuckle sounded particularly teasing. Taeun knew it, and yet he couldn’t help but feel hurt. He felt branded with the word “pervert” across his forehead.

If he’d known it would end up like this, he wouldn’t have wasted five, no, seven years including the time he’d run away, agonizing over his feelings. If he was going to be labeled a pervert anyway, he should have at least copped a feel. Then he wouldn’t feel so cheated.

“I went back to get my USB drive. I’d left it in your room.”

“…I didn’t hear the door.”

“You were probably too busy jerking off with your head buried in the blankets to hear anything.”

“…….”

Was I? Taeun tried to recall the details of his shameful act but stopped. He was already suffering enough without actively tormenting himself.

“The door wasn’t even locked, it was slightly ajar. I had a hard time leaving quietly because I didn’t want to embarrass you. And then I agonized over how to explain it to you.”

“…….”

“And you repay my kindness with this…”

Taeun’s brow furrowed at the accusation.

My confession is a betrayal?

He couldn’t voice the question, but it made his chest tighten. He felt like he’d swallowed a handful of stones, a stuffed animal filled with rocks. He felt like a pigeon pecking at the crumbs of Jinhyun’s harsh words. He deserved it, but remorse and pain weren’t mutually exclusive.

“Was that why you disappeared three years ago, too?”

The conversation naturally shifted to the more distant past. Taeun nodded again. There was no point in hiding anything now.

“Three years…”

Jinhyun murmured, stroking his chin.

“There must have been a trigger for you to suddenly disappear.”

“You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.”

“Try me. Let’s see if I understand or not.”

Taeun narrowed his eyes at the dismissive reply, glaring at the man beside him. Jinhyun simply tilted his head.

“I confessed to you.”

“…When?”

Unfortunately, nothing came to mind for Jinhyun. He ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek, searching his memory. Had he ever heard anything resembling a confession from Taeun? He rummaged through the deepest corners of his mind, but all he found were dusty memories of their friendship.

“See? You don’t remember.”

Taeun’s voice was laced with resignation, as if he’d expected this. The corners of his eyes drooped.

“Fine, whatever… Let’s say you did.”

“…….”

“Can I answer for that one and the one from three years ago at the same time?”

It didn’t really matter how many times Taeun had confessed. Jinhyun chose the most common and universal word for rejection.

“Sorry.”

“…….”

“I don’t want to date you. To be honest, I’m a little bewildered. I’m not gay.”

Each word felt like a heavy weight, pulling Taeun’s head lower and lower. Finally, his face was buried in his knees.

“Thinking about you and me dating… it’s kind of funny.”

Jinhyun pictured it. Him and Taeun, entangled, whispering sweet nothings. It felt bizarre, like imagining a cat and mouse mating.

“What’s funny about it?”

But Taeun didn’t find it funny at all.

He’d buried his face in his knees, as if trying to erase his features, but now he abruptly lifted his head. Jinhyun’s eyes flickered as he met Taeun’s gaze. The swelling that had been slowly receding was now irrelevant; Taeun’s eyes were brimming with tears. Despite his pathetic appearance, the way he glared at Jinhyun was sharp. Jinhyun tilted his head, his confusion evident.

“Then it’s not funny?”

He asked the question genuinely perplexed. The hook of that question mark cruelly raked across Taeun’s chest.

“It’s not funny at all.”

His choked voice immediately refuted Jinhyun’s question. Plip. Plip. Tears that couldn’t flow freely landed on the back of Taeun’s hand. He blinked repeatedly, his vision blurring. He hated himself for not being able to laugh it off like Jinhyun.

“…Don’t cry.”

Jinhyun’s hand reached out towards Taeun’s cheek again. Taeun swatted it away roughly.

“If you’re going to reject me, don’t…”

Taeun’s voice hitched in his uneven breaths. His chest ached with each painful rise and fall. He struggled to breathe, heartbroken by the absurdity of it all.

“…don’t do things like that if you don’t mean it…”

His voice trembled at the end. Fuck, this is so embarrassing. Taeun’s shoulders shook slightly. This was exactly what he’d feared before coming back. He knew he’d end up crying in front of Jinhyun.

“Even now, I… I want to hold your hand, and I want you… to reconsider, even a little, and then, just, just…”

“…….”

“…I wish you’d go out with me, even if it’s just out of pity…”

Taeun laid bare his impoverished heart, holding nothing back. Having nothing left to lose, he could finally be honest.

“Taeun.”

“…This is why…”

Interrupting Jinhyun who had called his name, Taeun continued.

“This is why I ran away. Fuck…”

“…….”

“…This happened again…”

He’d tried to give up on feelings that weren’t recognized as love, but he’d also held onto a foolish hope. If I truly reached out, wouldn’t you see me differently, even just once? That small hope was all he had. And that hope, as old as his feelings, was now shredded and tossed in the trash. Taeun was left with only one option.

“…I’ll leave.”

To run away from him.

“What?”

“I said I’m leaving. How can we live together after this?”

His love, as foolish as it was, had no immunity, no learned defenses. He couldn’t think of anything other than repeating the past.

“We’ll still see each other at club meetings, so it’s not like we won’t see each other at all… just once a week. I’ll manage somehow…”

“You have nowhere to go. Be realistic.”

“I can stay at a friend’s place this semester. I’ll get a part-time job during the break. Please keep this a secret from my mom. You can do that much for me, right?”

He didn’t actually have anywhere to go. The “friend’s place” was a hypothetical location; he hadn’t asked anyone. But he didn’t have the energy to deal with such trivial realities. He hated the nasally sound of his congested voice. Taeun grabbed a tissue from the table and roughly wiped his face. He felt mortified.

“No.”

“…….”

“Why are you doing this? It’s just a fleeting feeling. We’ve been friends for much longer. You acting like this, it makes me feel like I meant nothing to you.”

The damp, dirty tissue crumpled pathetically in Taeun’s hand. The tears he’d barely managed to hold back started welling up again.

“Fleeting?”

“Taeun.”

Fleeting. When he first realized his feelings, he thought so too.

“Why does fleeting feel so long?”

He wished more than anything that these feelings were just a passing phase. But he didn’t want to hear that from Jinhyun, of all people.

“It feels like only my time has stopped…”

Taeun mumbled weakly. His words were dry and brittle, like someone on the verge of death.

“…….”

…Sigh.

Jinhyun exhaled a hot, frustrated breath. The annoyance that had subsided at the sight of Taeun’s pathetic face now surged back. A strange silence hung between them. He took several deep breaths to calm himself, then stood up and walked to the kitchen. He filled a glass with water, placed it in front of Taeun, and sat closer.

“Calm down first.”

Confessing on a whim, then threatening to cut ties because I didn’t accept your feelings. Just get over it. Give up. Stop liking me. Jinhyun barely suppressed the harsh words he wanted to say.

This is so annoying. Exasperation bubbled up at the end of his tangled thoughts. Taeun’s declaration of leaving was unexpected.

“…Honestly, I don’t want to drift apart from you because of this. Especially if this was the reason you disappeared three years ago.”

He wasn’t keen on pleading with Taeun, but he was even less enthusiastic about ending their relationship completely. Taeun was the person he’d connected with the most deeply. Jinhyun watched as Taeun gulped down the entire glass of water and let out a small burp.

What should I do? I don’t want to lose Taeun. But I can’t date him either. Jinhyun racked his brain.

If I can just get past this moment…

“Let’s compromise.”

“…What?”

If Taeun’s feelings faded, there wouldn’t be a problem.

“Look. If I received a confession out of the blue from someone I had no feelings for, I would have rejected them, male or female. Let’s put aside the fact that you’re a guy for now.”

“…You go out with everyone who confesses to you.”

“I’ve rejected more than you think. I just don’t talk about it.”

“…….”

Taeun sniffled and placed the empty glass on the table. His tears had subsided during their brief silence. He still didn’t understand what Jinhyun was getting at.

“…So?”

“You’re saying you’ll leave because I rejected you. That’s the wrong order of things. I had no choice but to reject you in the first place.”

“What are you talking about…”

“Try to seduce me. Then it might work.”

He just had to wait for Taeun’s feelings to dull and fade away. It wouldn’t be difficult for Jinhyun. Besides, he was slightly annoyed at Taeun for threatening to end their friendship again.

“I’ll play along. Do whatever you want.”

So it was a small act of revenge. He had no intention of actually playing along.

Three years. Three years of unrequited love was a long time, even for Jinhyun. But the fact that feelings were transient remained unchanged. There was a saying that the shelf life of love was three years. If that were true, Taeun’s feelings would soon expire. If they were older than that, even better. They would disappear faster.

Clinging to feelings of love was a paradox.

Love wasn’t the way to maintain a long-lasting bond. Taeun was emotional; he fell in and out of love easily. This time, it just happened to be him, Jinhyun, who was the target of Taeun’s affections. Thinking of it that way simplified things. All he had to do was wait for Taeun’s feelings to fade. Jinhyun wanted to stay with him for as long as possible, and the only way to do that was as friends.

“…You said you weren’t gay.”

Taeun’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, his brow furrowing as he gave Jinhyun a skeptical look.

“Yeah, I’m not.”

“Then it won’t matter how much I try to seduce you.”

“You never know. You didn’t know you’d fall for me either.”

“…….”

That’s true… It was strange logic, but the persuasive power swayed Taeun. He’d been swayed by Jinhyun’s sophistry countless times before.

“But don’t even think about running away. Our relationship isn’t something you can turn on and off based on your feelings.”

“…….”

If I agree to this, I’m a complete idiot. He knew it logically, but Taeun couldn’t bring himself to refuse.

“…Let me… think about it.”

Scenario one: Run away and forget about Jinhyun. A difficult future awaited him. It would be especially hard since they were bound to run into each other at club meetings.

Scenario two: Don’t run away, but forget about Jinhyun. Twice as hard as scenario one.

Scenario three: Accept this bizarre proposition. He wouldn’t have to leave, and he wouldn’t have to hide his feelings anymore. Since Jinhyun had told him to try seducing him, he wouldn’t have to hold back…

“…Hey. Then…”

After much deliberation, Taeun, like a moth drawn to a flame, made his decision.

“…Hold… hold my hand.”

“What?”

Jinhyun frowned, his eyebrows shooting up. Taeun flinched at his reaction but, seemingly determined, he raised his hand. Jinhyun wondered what he was up to, but decided to play along. He loosely grasped the pale hand offered to him.

“…Not like that…”

“……?”

Taeun wiggled his hand, intertwining his fingers with Jinhyun’s. He carefully laced their fingers together and fell silent. Jinhyun watched him. After holding hands like well-behaved children for a moment, Taeun abruptly let go.

“…You pass.”

His actions and words were unfathomable. Jinhyun withdrew his hand and stared at the serious man beside him.

“What was that about?”

“I was testing… to see if you have the potential to become gay. I don’t want to waste my time.”

“Huh.”

It was a flimsy test with questionable accuracy. Jinhyun, who had unknowingly passed, scoffed in disbelief.

“You didn’t pull away first, so you pass.”

The criteria couldn’t be more lenient. Jinhyun leaned back against the sofa, making a noncommittal noise. He’d only gone along with it because it was Taeun. If it had been someone like Kim Sunghyun, he probably would have recoiled the moment their fingers touched.

“…Okay.”

Taeun opened and closed his hand, signaling his agreement. Idiot. He cursed himself internally.

“You better do your best, too.”

“At what?”

“Do your best to be seduced by me.”

“…….”

I have no intention of doing that… Jinhyun nodded halfheartedly.