Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 20

“Couldn’t you have at least told me? Am I not even worth that much to you?”

His eyes, usually tilted upwards, drooped, and he avoided Gamyoung’s gaze. Seeing him express his hurt feelings made Gamyoung feel guilty even though he hadn’t before. He felt something strange after that. Suddenly, a pang of sadness struck his chest.

‘What is this?’

While he hesitated, bewildered by the unfamiliar feeling, a loud voice suddenly came from the kitchen.

“Hongyo! Aren’t you going to wash up? You have to wash up quickly to eat dinner. Gamyoung, come help me.”

Hongyo replied, “Yes, yes!” and handed the pheasants to Gamyoung.

“Make sure you eat. And don’t run away again.”

Gamyoung, who had taken the pheasants in a daze, watched Hongyo, who kept glancing at him with sidelong glances until he turned around. Even after Hongyo disappeared from sight, Gamyoung continued to look at him with a puzzled expression.

Dinner together after a long time was the same as always. Nothing had changed: Gamyoung smiling as he watched Hongyo enjoy the meat he had brought, and the grandmother who kept trying to give Gamyoung more rice even though he was about to burst. He ate better food in the palace, but dinner at Hongyo’s house was different. In the familiar and comfortable atmosphere, the sense of déjà vu that had lingered in Gamyoung’s mind disappeared.

As they finished their meal and he was about to leave, Gamyoung noticed with a troubled look that the guest room where he usually stayed had been prepared with bedding, even though no one had asked him to stay the night as they usually did. Even though he had brought his pass, the coronation ceremony had only recently ended, and he had intended to visit Hongyo and then return to the palace. But hearing the crackling sound of firewood burning in the yard, he knew he wouldn’t be returning to the palace tonight.

“You’re here?”

“What are you doing?”

“Just…it’s a bit chilly.”

Then, he took out something to use as kindling. Inside the straw wrapping were crops like sweet potatoes or potatoes.

“I got them in exchange for the game I hunted.”

Hongyo said proudly, smiling brightly, his face flushed from the fire. Gamyoung smiled along and sat down next to him. It had been a while since they had sat side by side like this, and the crackling bonfire relaxed the remaining tension. Gamyoung stretched his legs comfortably. Hongyo, who was poking at the firewood with the kindling, his hands on his knees, said,

“I have something to apologize to you for.”

“To me?”

“Yeah. Do you remember the last day we saw each other?”

Ah, that day. How could he forget? Gamyoung shifted his eyes uncomfortably. He had already gotten over his anger, but he didn’t know what to say. It was Hongyo who broke the short silence.

“I’m sorry about that day. I jumped to conclusions without knowing whether you had feelings for Lady Sujin or not. I should have asked you first.”

His apologetic tone was sincere. Gamyoung stared at Hongyo, who was avoiding his gaze, and then said,

“It’s fine. Why bring up something that happened so long ago? I didn’t do anything right either.”

Actually, he had been more angry about Hongyo’s attitude of keeping his distance than about Sujin, but it didn’t seem necessary to bring it up now. He felt strangely embarrassed. More than anything, it felt strange to confirm that he wasn’t the only one who cared about that day. Hongyo seemed to feel the same way, needlessly poking at the kindling. Hongyo, staring at the bonfire with a sullen face, continued,

“Yeah. And even if you’re angry, don’t say things like you’re going to distance yourself from me.”

“….”

“Do you think I’d feel good if you disappeared after saying that?”

It didn’t take long for the resentment, which hadn’t been strong to begin with, to completely disappear. Gamyoung touched his tingling fingertips, feeling the back of his neck heat up. It seemed he was embarrassed because they had been talking about things that were awkward to remember. But if that was the only reason…. Gamyoung forced a smile onto his lips, as if a giddy, ticklish feeling would make him burst into laughter.

But Hongyo, lost in thought, opened his mouth and then closed it again. The sound of crackling firewood filled the silence between them. A moment later, it was Hongyo who spoke first.

“So what was so urgent that you had to go back home? What happened at your house?”

His voice was calm. Gamyoung stared at the fire for a moment, then turned his head to look at Hongyo’s profile. His reddened face flickered with shadows every time a spark flew from the fire. Gamyoung watched his face for a moment, scratched the end of his eyebrow, and then slowly opened his mouth.

“Um, my brother inherited the territory. And he’s getting married, too.”

“What?”

The voice that had been calm until just now suddenly rose.

“You have a brother? It can’t be Senior Brother Kyungrak since you said he’s a distant cousin. An older brother?”

“…Didn’t I tell you?”

“Are you kidding? You never talked about your family. It’s hard to ask when you don’t say anything first. And whenever I tried to talk to you, you’d change the subject. So I thought there must be some reason you couldn’t talk about it.”

At those words, Gamyoung reflected on his past actions. Hongyo was right. Not a single thing he had told Hongyo about himself was true.

It wasn’t that he didn’t feel any guilt or remorse for deceiving his friend. But he couldn’t reveal his status as a member of the royal family outside, and he knew the responsibility that came with it. Moreover, he was afraid that if his royal status were revealed, Hongyo would be frightened and leave him. Hongyo was the first friend he made outside the palace, and it would be a great loss to lose their friendship over something like this.

However, looking at Hongyo, who was staring at him quietly today, he couldn’t understand why the thought of “deceiving” his friend made his chest ache. He had been doing it all along….

Gamyoung closed his mouth, feeling unusually complicated. However, Hongyo couldn’t help but be interested in the family story Gamyoung had rarely brought up. He also had secrets from Gamyoung, so Gamyoung must have things he didn’t want to talk about. Thinking that, he had intentionally avoided asking. But after seeing Gamyoung disappear for two months without a trace, he realized that if Gamyoung disappeared like this again, he would have no way to find him. So, instead of bringing up another topic, Hongyo probed a little deeper.

“Where is your hometown?”

“Huh? Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”

“All of a sudden? Do you know what I thought when you disappeared like that? If you don’t show up next time, I’ll have to go find you to see if you’re alive or dead!”

Wow…. Gamyoung sighed inwardly, looking at Hongyo’s sharp gaze. Even though this was the first time he had disappeared without a word to Hongyo, he honestly hadn’t expected him to be this worried. He had scoffed, thinking that Hongyo wouldn’t even bother looking for him even if he disappeared, since he had been pushing him away lately, but the moment their eyes met, Gamyoung was speechless.

It seemed that Yeo Hongyo cherished him far more than he thought.

Even if his eyes, hidden in the darkness, hadn’t revealed his sincerity in that moment, illuminated by the fire, Gamyoung could tell.

Gamyoung looked back at the fire. Hometown? What should he say? As he racked his brain, the name of a region suddenly popped up.

“Hyungju….”

“Hyungju? Really? Hyungju is a huge territory, isn’t it?”

“There’s a small place called Najeon next to it.”

His teacher’s geography lessons had come in handy. Gamyoung looked at Hongyo, who tilted his head as if he’d never heard of it before, saying, “Najeon?” and vaguely glossed over it.

“Anyway, my brother inherited the fief and became the lord. That’s why I went there. I couldn’t miss it when the lord changed.”

It wasn’t a lie. His father had abdicated the throne to his brother, hadn’t he? Gamyoung tried to convince himself that it wasn’t a lie. But Hongyo, unaware of his inner thoughts, looked puzzled.

“Is that so? I wouldn’t know, since I’m not a nobleman. You really are a young master. Wow….”

Hongyo nodded briefly in admiration. As Gamyoung inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, Hongyo, lost in thought, turned to look at him.

“Then, Gamyoung, will you return to your hometown someday? If you inherit land like your brother, or get married there….”

It was a question, but his trailing voice suggested he already knew the answer. Gamyoung asked playfully,

“Why, are you sad?”

But even with his playful tone, Hongyo didn’t seem to take the situation as a joke.

“Of course, I am. Aren’t you?”

Gamyoung was a little surprised by the unexpectedly honest answer. However, Hongyo only poked at the firewood with the kindling as if he had no intention of turning around.

“But what can you do? Your path and my path are different.”

“What’s so different?”

“What’s different? Are you and I in the same situation? Even if you don’t return to your hometown, if you get an official position and start a family here, we won’t be able to live like this anymore.”

There it was again. Of course, he understood. If a nobleman didn’t inherit a territory to govern, it was common for them to rise in the world and provide for their family by getting an official position. But it was different for him.

He might start a family someday, but he wasn’t even thinking about it now. Yet Hongyo kept worrying about the path he wasn’t even considering. Gamyoung replied,

“I appreciate you worrying about my future, but I have no intention of living like that. Why do you think I’m doing all these different jobs?”

“To earn money for your studies….”

“Yes, that too. But I want to do something else more than that. It’s good to become an official and serve the country, but I want to see a wider world. I’d like to get a ship someday. Let’s go together then.”

Hongyo’s mouth dropped open. His wide eyes, slightly surprised, soon looked back at the fire.

“How can I leave with you? Then who will stay with Grandma?”

Gamyoung couldn’t say anything. That’s right. Hongyo already had a family he couldn’t leave.

“…And she wouldn’t allow it.”

A resigned voice followed. It was a dry tone, but a strangely heavy gloom clung to it.

“My adoptive mother wants me to always be where she can see me.”