Dirty Sweet Baby Chapter 92

“Don’t give me that bullshit. Did I ever ask you to do that?”

He was infuriated by their mismatched fate.

“I don’t want to use guiding as an excuse anymore, and above all, that video, that… Ugh, to you, Cha Moogyul, the dispatch that day might not have meant anything, but to me…”

Of all things, why that!

The experience of saving the 3rd District was a turning point that changed Heeheon’s values in life. It was also the peak where his strong desire to be with Cha Moogyul finally blossomed splendidly. But he didn’t know if, to Cha Moogyul, even the great deed of overcoming a huge crisis with Heeheon and saving countless people was nothing more than a means to be exploited in this way. As he himself had said, perhaps it was just ‘playing the clown’…

But still, even so. To spread it so definitively and thoroughly to the media in such a short time. Now, that news, that video, that public opinion, none of it could be taken back.

“Don’t get worked up.”

Cha Moogyul turned off the tablet and recited chillingly.

“Who was it that desperately lured me in, spouting words they didn’t mean.”

Averting his gaze from the enraged Heeheon, he let out a deep breath. Not just Heeheon, but he too needed to calm his excitement.

“The timing was right, too. In my judgment, it was the best possible solution.”

“The best? If you really thought so, you should have at least given me a heads-up before carrying it out.”

“Right, I’m telling you now. I thought you’d be happy, I did.”

Cha Moogyul tapped the table as if pushing it away with the side of his hand. The cell phone on it clattered.

“Take it.”

The brightly shining sunlight reflected off the screen, flashing like a camera. When Heeheon stood still without moving, Cha Moogyul hit the table again. His gesture had become a bit rougher.

“Take it. Before I change my mind.”

This time, too, Heeheon didn’t move.

He was sick and tired of this situation where he had to take it if Cha Moogyul told him to, and have it taken away if he decided to take it. He wanted to break the continuous cycle of repeated misalignments.

Why now of all times? He had just now found the courage to try and express himself, so why now of all times…

When Heeheon showed no sign of moving, Cha Moogyul snatched the phone himself, roughly, as if he would break it. With a harsh touch, he turned on the power, and countless missed call notifications flooded in, popping up on the screen one after another.

“You have to return as a proud son.”

The majority were calls from his mother. Occasionally, the numbers of his family home or Mister Kwon Il, and other unknown numbers were mixed in.

“So you can sleep a little more soundly, huh?”

For a moment, an ominous premonition brushed past him.

Heeheon tried to stop him, but Cha Moogyul was much faster.

Cha Moogyul touched the numerous missed call entries from his mother and called back. Moreover, it was a video call.

“Hey!”

“Tell her. And just as you wanted, undo everything.”

Heeheon tried to snatch the phone from his hand, but the call connected first.

The ringtone had only sounded briefly when his mother answered the call, as if she had been waiting for Heeheon to call.

—Hee, Heeheon! Is that you, Heeheon?

His mother’s face appeared, filling the screen.

The moment their eyes met, his mind went blank and white.

—Heeheon! Heeheon…!

“Mother.”

Now he could neither tell her to hang up nor yell at Cha Moogyul. Utterly dumbfounded, Heeheon faced his mother on the phone screen with bleak eyes mixed with emptiness and sorrow.

“Yes… uh, Mother. It’s me.”

With a trembling hand, he took the phone from Cha Moogyul, and after calming his panting, ragged breath, he replied with difficulty.

—Yes…! Oh, Heeheon, are you all right…? Huh? Are you okay?

“Yes, yes… I’m fine.”

—I saw the news, how much your mother, you… Sob, you, hic…

His mother’s eyes turned red. He could see her burst into tears, unable to speak properly, right through the screen. Seeing that, Heeheon was not in his right mind either. His chest felt torn as if a huge hole had been pierced through it, and he felt like he would suffocate from guilt.

—I’m sorry. M-Mommy, I’m so sorry for everything. The news, Mommy saw all the news.

His mother’s voice, crying her heart out, overlapped with a childhood memory. When she had found the young Heeheon who had disappeared while chasing a puppy, his mother had cried just like this back then, too.

He felt his heart drop. He felt as if it were being stepped on and run over, shattering into pieces.

“I’m sorry, Mother. It was all my fault. Running out like that that day… I just, I shouldn’t have done that.”

—No. That, that mucous membrane guiding, they said it was a military secret. That it couldn’t be revealed to civilians… Then of course, you, hic, you would have had no choice. My Heeheon, Mommy understands everything.

“Ah… no… Really, it was all my fault.”

—Don’t say that. Mommy’s fine. Don’t worry, okay? I’m not crying because I’m sad. Oh, my Heeheon… I’m just so proud, I’m crying foolishly…

His mother sniffled and wiped her tears. Seeing her force a smile and try to hide her sadness and worry, lest Heeheon worry, he couldn’t help but realize once again that he had committed a grave wrong. It was true that Heeheon had also been tormented by unspeakable worries, but his mother must have been in much more pain. Her heart must have felt like it was being torn into a thousand pieces.

—My son, you’re all grown up like this, saving people, right? It must have been so hard for you all alone. I’m sorry Mommy didn’t know, and my Heeheon, helping so many people and also guiding… Yes, it couldn’t have been easy, but you worked without showing a single sign of hardship. Mommy is so proud and impressed that it brings tears to my eyes.

“Mother, ugh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

—Mommy was wrong. Heeheon is all grown up like this, what was I worrying about. My son has to do great things, you’re serving the country, you’re a true national hero, aren’t you? Huh? Mommy is so, so proud and pleased. So, with that, Heeheon, you have fulfilled your duty as a son.

“I’m sorry…”

—Don’t worry about Mommy anymore. Live as a great person in the big world. Protecting many people… Understood? Take care of your health…

“…”

—Mommy will always believe in and support my Heeheon.

His eyes stung. Then, without any time to react, a single tear overflowed and trickled down his cheek.

Stupid bastard. Idiot bastard. Damn son of a bitch!

The tips of the curses that came to mind without order were all aimed at himself. Heeheon wanted to punish himself. He felt like raising his fist right now and striking his own cheek. It felt like it wouldn’t be enough even if he smashed, cracked, and pulverized his head with a rock.

Only tears flowed.

Uncontrollably, on and on.

His heart ached so much that he didn’t even think to wipe his eyes.

Heeheon lifted his trembling face and looked at his mother on the video call, and then beyond her to Cha Moogyul standing by the window.

With the sunlight at his back, Cha Moogyul was frozen, as cold as a marble statue. From his firm eyes and closed lips, Heeheon felt a sense of dissonance. He wondered if he was a little shaken by Heeheon’s tears, or if he too was hurt or tired; it seemed that even Cha Moogyul, who always appeared full of conviction, was wavering today.

“I’m sorry.”

Where was the beginning of this misalignment?

When he fell for Cha Moogyul at first sight?

When he started avoiding him in terror?

When he manifested as a guide and ran away?

When he neglected his mother for five whole years without seeing her?

Or perhaps… when he was prepared to die, yet failed to be brave?

What use would it be to trace it back to its origin?

The seeds that the past Heeheon had sown grew into a dense thicket of thorns, and the present Heeheon was now simply walking the thorny path he had created. Since it had begun with him, it was a penance he deserved to tread upon and pass through. Even if his feet were torn by the thorns and his whole body was wounded. Now Heeheon had a life to live, to end and bear all these regrets.

Heeheon’s lips parted slightly. He forced his voice out from his tattered heart.

“I’m, I’m finally feeling a sense of fulfillment… As a guide, I think I can now work truly faithfully and with a sense of reward.”

—Yes, Heeheon… Yes…

“It will never be easy, but I want to live like that, struggling and striving. Even if I’m lacking, I want to keep reaching out…”

It was Cha Moogyul who had made him resolve to do so. He was at the center of Heeheon’s life, and therefore, only by not running away and being with him could he finally move forward. They wanted to achieve something in each other’s lives, using each other as a driving force. Every time he looked at him, he would feel that desire. That with Cha Moogyul, he could do anything.

“So, there’s something I must tell you, Mother. I don’t want to lie anymore. Not as a guide, and not as your son…”

Heeheon gripped the phone tightly and sobbed with a raw voice. His mother and Cha Moogyul were in front of him, but it actually felt like he was facing the self he had been ignoring.

“What you saw that day, Mother, it wasn’t guiding or anything like that. What you saw was exactly what it was.”

—Oh… Huh…?

“The truth is, I like men. And.”

In the end, it was only each other who could shake one another.

They had each other in their hearts, and that was why they had been so greatly stimulated until now. The strong power that had wrecked, broken, harmed, and hated—if that driving force were used differently, there would be nothing they couldn’t achieve. Not just Heeheon, but both of them. Because the power to make the other do anything had been with each other from the beginning. Heeheon wanted to stop and try to cultivate their lives together.

“Cha Moogyul, he…”

Tears welled up endlessly.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried like this. Heeheon continued to sob like a child as he faced Cha Moogyul directly. While gazing into his wide, startled black eyes, he said what he had to say.

Like a confession, he confessed what he had always needed to but couldn’t.

“I just can’t, I can’t think of him as my younger brother.”

In the end, he was overcome with emotion, and his voice broke off, stuttering.

“I like him. I… so much…”

His expression and his voice must have been a mess, but still, he couldn’t stop.