Foot Worship Chapter 30

The media called this event a foreseeable disaster, digging up my past failures—like when I couldn’t even attend the award ceremony because of exhaustion—and fiercely vilified me. As if that weren’t enough, they compared me to an athlete from another country who had won the championship despite suffering the same deep arm lock (ude-hishigi-waki-gatame) years ago, emphasizing that I lacked the qualifications of an athlete. Some even spewed nonsensical claims that I had taken money from the country that took 3rd place and collapsed on the mat on purpose. In the end, as penance for failing to meet people’s expectations, I held a press conference to issue a national apology, and there, I announced my retirement. I didn’t want to exercise anymore. I had to part ways with judo, which was my dream, my future, and my everything. That was how my athletic career ended. It was a catastrophe wrought by extreme tension.

I covered my eyes with my arm and let out a painful groan. It cut me to the core that this had happened during our play. Jerome must have been disappointed in me. Come to think of it, the play had been monotonous and soft, to the point of being dull. A physical exam, a little bondage, shaving, and water play were all there was to it. Thinking that this was my first time playing with someone I had feelings for, I had been extremely tense, and that eventually led to this mess. On top of that, I had indigestion—no, the indigestion was just an excuse. This was purely my fault. If I couldn’t open my mouth, I should have hit myself until I could say that my body felt strange. The more I chewed over the situation, the more regretful and heartbroken I felt.

Not long after, Jerome opened the door and came into the living room. Unlike earlier, he was wearing a white sweater and black pants. I wiped my tear-stained face with my hands and stood up from the sofa.

Jerome glanced at me once, pulled a chair from the kitchen, and sat down facing me. Seeing his stiff, hardened face made that moment feel all the more painful.

“Did you get some rest?”

“…I’m sorry for ruining the play.”

“To be precise, it was I who ended the play unilaterally.”

“…”

“About you staying the night tonight,”

“I will go home.”

How repulsive I must look to him, sitting here in front of him even after pulling such a stupid stunt. I blurted out the words he would have found difficult to say. Jerome took a cigarette from his pocket and put it in his mouth. After finding his lighter and lighting it, he rolled the smoke around his mouth with his tongue and stared at me.

“Because you feel uncomfortable being with me?”

“…N-no.”

“Then why are you saying you’ll go?”

He didn’t take his eyes off me as he inhaled the cigarette smoke deeply and let out a long, sharp exhale. The grayish smoke scattered powerlessly in the air. If I could, I wanted to disappear just like that wisp of smoke.

“That’s because, naturally…”

Because I thought you’d tell me to go. I trailed off, mumbling hesitantly. Not only had I messed up the play, but I was the one who had forced Jerome to say the safe word himself to end it. A heavy silence descended. Jerome stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray and opened his mouth.

“How is your stomach?”

“…I’m fine.”

“Then let’s talk after I cook you some porridge. You couldn’t have eaten properly earlier because I was bothering you at the restaurant.”

“No, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep anything down anyway.”

My heart was so heavy right now that I felt nothing would digest if I ate it. He must have had expectations of me, yet it was surprisingly refreshing to see Jerome, who wasn’t even acting annoyed and was offering to cook me a meal. I waited quietly without rushing him. He seemed to need time to think. It was only after a long while that Jerome began to speak.

“We’ve filled the number of meetings we promised and had our play, so we should decide what to do now.”

“Yes.”

“I have a few things I want to ask before that, and I would like you to answer honestly.”

“…Yes.”

“Was today’s play difficult or overwhelming for you?”

“…No.”

“Then?”

Jerome crossed his arms and tilted his head as if telling me to continue. I hesitated, not knowing where to begin. I wanted to tell him as simply and understandably as possible, but because there were so many thoughts in my head, it took a long time to choose my words.

“To put it simply, it’s a kind of trauma; it was just something that happened because I couldn’t control my tension. On top of that, the food I ate at the restaurant earlier must have given me indigestion. I am truly sorry I couldn’t tell you.”

“I think informing your partner about your physical condition is the most basic of basics.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t just apologize, explain the situation. Do you think I’m doing this just to hear you apologize to me?”

“…I had been fine ever since I quit being an athlete, and I had no problems during previous plays, so I thought the trauma had disappeared. And as for the indigestion, I thought I could endure it for a little while until the play ended. My thinking was shortsighted. I am sorry.”

Even with ten mouths, I had no words to offer. My body had stayed in a state of excessive tension, and as my condition worsened, I lost control. Avoiding his eyes, which were looking at me with a dissatisfied expression, I added:

“If I were to make an excuse… I was already in a state of excessive arousal from the restaurant, and because I was filled with anticipation about playing with you, Jerome, my state of tension was prolonged—it’s not that there is actually a problem.”

“…You would have known your physical condition better than I did, so why didn’t you say the safe word?”

“It might sound like an excuse, but I really meant to say it, but the timing… I was a step too late.”

If only I could turn back time. I wished the play could have ended normally. I couldn’t stand how I kept regretting and missing that time.

“I liked you from the first time I saw you. Enough that even if you were a Dom, I would have found some way to make you submit to me.”

“…”

“Your physical condition is to my taste, and that didn’t change when I stripped you earlier. However,”

I dropped my head deeply and bit my lip. I might as well have already heard his answer. Still, I waited for his response, holding onto a sliver of hope.

“Now that we’ve actually played, I think we aren’t suitable for forming a D/s relationship. If something like this happens again, I, as a Dom who failed to control my sub, will take a hit, and it’s clear it will eventually have a negative impact on you, Jin. It’s a shame, but for your sake, I think it’s best we stop here.”

It was the answer I had expected, but hearing it directly was such a shock that my thought circuits felt paralyzed. Jerome placed my bag, which had been off to the side, onto the table and bowed politely. It was as if he were about to tell me to leave immediately.

I urgently knelt on the floor. It was truly shameless, but I clung to him, begging for just one more chance. I didn’t want to be remembered in such a wretched state.

“I was wrong. Can’t you give me just one chance, just one? I know it’s shameless, but I don’t want to end it like this.”

“I’m sorry.”

Perhaps he found it painful to watch my desperate state, as I saw Jerome’s face gradually hardening. My heart ached with regret, but I still didn’t want to give up.

“Please, just once.”

“I am not such a good person that you should cling to me like this, Jin. Why go this far?”

“That is,”

Once again, I was at a loss for words. But my thoughts didn’t lead to a long answer. The only way to break through this situation was honesty. Whether my head shattered, my knuckles were scraped, or my heart was left scarred—those were problems for later.

I recalled the moment Jerome first opened the door to my studio and walked in. That image of him walking in wonderfully with countless lights twinkling behind his back blurred before my eyes like an afterimage. I took a deep breath and looked up at Jerome.

“People say, don’t they? That when you meet your true soulmate, a halo shines behind their back.”

“…”

“It’s just that you’re the first person I’ve ever lived to see with a halo.”

With my words, a suffocating silence settled in. Jerome didn’t move an inch, as if lost in deep thought. The time passing helplessly, every second, felt like an eternity.

“My capacity isn’t large enough to continue this relationship based on my feelings alone.”

In the end, he did not change his mind.