Struggle Chapter 140

In the end, Nanyoung ended up letting out a sulky complaint. He felt hurt.

Taerok pulled a chair over and sat beside Nanyoung. Folding his legs as if storing them away, Lee Taerok was lost in thought for a moment before he spoke.

“I paid attention, so why do you get sick every season?”

To that, even Nanyoung had nothing to say.

Lee Taerok truly adjusted everything to Nanyoung. Even though he preferred keeping things cool, he always kept the house at a constant temperature, and he equipped it with everything from humidifiers to dehumidifiers every season. Lee Taerok’s house, where there had been no trace of human habitation, had thus accumulated seasonal supplies and odds and ends. His refrigerator became home to herbal tonics, and meticulously calculated and considered side dishes and seasonal foods, planned by a nutritionist, were stocked accordingly. Clearly, Nanyoung’s food intake had increased because of it, and his stamina had improved somewhat, yet this alone—falling ill—he still couldn’t avoid.

Lee Taerok reflected on what had been lacking in Nanyoung’s life. Even when the doctor said it was unavoidable because he’d always been sickly and had a weak constitution, Taerok couldn’t be satisfied. What was there that was unavoidable? If he had watched him from childhood, could he have taken better care of him? He even thought that perhaps he had been too indifferent to Nanyoung’s early years. But even if he turned back time, nothing would change. Therefore, it was nothing but utterly fruitless regret. Whether it was because he himself had gotten older, or because that kid was still young.

Nanyoung reached out and tugged at the hem of Taerok’s clothes.

“There’s nothing you did wrong, Uncle. I’m sick far less often than when I was with my family.”

This wasn’t something said to comfort him, it was the truth.

As if asking Taerok to believe him, Nanyoung stared intently at him. Taerok’s gaze, which had been resting on Nanyoung’s hand clutching his clothes, returned to his face.

“Wh-why?”

“Because I feel like it’s been a while since I heard the word ‘Uncle’ from your mouth.”

At that, Nanyoung’s lips pressed firmly shut.

“Hearing it after so long, it’s amusing again. Call me that from time to time.”

“…”

Though it was already nearing two years since he had been living with him, Nanyoung still found Lee Taerok astonishing. He truly acted as if he felt not an inch of taboo about his relationship with Nanyoung. Even now, he seemed to feel not a shred of guilt or discomfort at being called Uncle.

To catch up to that indifference, there was still a long, long way to go. As Nanyoung let out a deep sigh, Taerok, wondering if he was uncomfortable somewhere, touched Nanyoung’s arm. His right arm was shifted to a more comfortable position.

In fact, the problem occupying his mind was not only Lee Nanyoung’s health. There was a separate reason why, in the elevator, he couldn’t help but stare at his phone whether the executive director was beside him or not.

Taerok didn’t beat around the bush and got straight to the point.

“Your mother is coming back.”

“What?”

The brief comfort Nanyoung had felt was rendered meaningless by the words that followed.

“To see you.”

“M-Mom is in Korea?”

“I heard hyung is coming too.”

Nanyoung’s heart began to race madly.

He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, but he hadn’t wished to meet them so suddenly like this.

In truth, if possible, he wanted to avoid it forever. Between his family and Lee Taerok, without even realizing it, he had been choosing a grave sin with Lee Taerok. Choices that abandoned the natural bonds of family—not just one, but two.

“Wh-what do we do?”

“What do you mean, what do we do.”

Unlike Taerok, who, though finding his brother and sister-in-law’s return bothersome, had never agonized over anything else, Nanyoung was visibly anxious.

“Should I move out and live on my own?”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

Preposterous.

Lee Taerok frowned, as if he’d wasted time listening to the most useless nonsense in the world.

Ever since the commotion when Nanyoung had once declared he would run away from home, Taerok had been sensitive to any talk of living apart.

This wasn’t even up for discussion. He gave a scoffing laugh and cut it off decisively.

“You just need to stay as we are now. Move out, or whatever. Is there any need to stir up something like that?”

“B-but, still.”

“Lee Nanyoung.”

Lee Taerok spoke as he firmly smoothed down the blanket covering Nanyoung. As if pressing down with each word, like that touch.

“Are we criminals or something?”

Ah….

At a loss, Nanyoung could only let out a dazed moan from the dizziness.

If we’re not, then what is it that we’re doing?

Nanyoung’s question merely crawled sluggishly around inside his mouth. The reason he couldn’t voice it was, in truth, because Nanyoung feared confronting that very thing more than anyone.

∞ ∞ ∞

Lee Taerok had tried somehow to get Nanyoung admitted to the hospital, and Nanyoung had insisted he would go back to that house no matter what.

The one who won was Lee Nanyoung. It had been an uphill battle, but the doctor’s opinion helped Nanyoung. Lee Taerok wasn’t pleased, but he wasn’t so unreasonable as to insist stubbornly when the doctor said managing his health at home would be fine at this level.

In the car on the way back home, Nanyoung simply stared out the window with a troubled expression.

“Another sigh.”

Startled, Nanyoung turned around, not even having realized he had sighed.

“You’ve been sighing continuously ever since you got in the car. You didn’t know?”

Tapping the steering wheel with his fingertips, Lee Taerok said, “Eight.”

“You’ve sighed eight times. All together.”

“…”

“If it’s groaning because you’re feeling unwell, should I turn the car around?”

It wasn’t that. It wasn’t his body but his mind that was unwell. Shaking his head with a gloomy look, Nanyoung asked.

“Aren’t you worried at all, Uncle?”

“Suddenly drawing a line. Calling me Uncle.”

Nanyoung knew, too, that this was awkward. It was a title he normally didn’t even use often. Which was exactly why he had to use it more and get used to it. Because he had to make a habit of it, starting now. It was a ridiculous thing. A title that had been designated since the moment he was born into the world, and yet his heart was such that he could only say it by forcibly forming a habit.

“I’m already scared….”

“What’s there to be scared of. As if I would pounce on you in front of hyung and his wife.”

The very thought was horrifying. The catastrophe that would follow was beyond anything he could even dare imagine.

Nanyoung’s eyes, with his lips pressed firmly shut, wavered violently.

Taking advantage of the moment the car was stopped, Lee Taerok looked at Nanyoung and reached out his hand to him. Tapping his cheek lightly as if flicking it, he laughed softly and said, “Baby fat.” It was a laugh like a passing breeze, easily missed if you didn’t listen closely.

“If you keep fidgeting and walking on eggshells like that, you’ll look even more suspicious. It’s not like we’ve committed a crime.”

At those words, Nanyoung ended up blurting out what he had been thinking all along.

“Then is what we’re doing right? Our relationship?”

The car filled with silence.

Invisible, intangible, when placed on a scale it was infinitely light, so weightless it couldn’t even be measured, but when suspended in the air, it pressed down on the breastbone and tightened around the throat, choking off breath. What broke the taut silence, so tense it made his head ache, was the honk of the car behind them.

At the loud Baaang, Lee Taerok turned his head. As the traffic light turned green, he began driving again.

It had clearly been a brief honk, but to Nanyoung, the sound seemed to follow right behind him.

His head hurt.

Perhaps it would have been better to be admitted to the hospital this time.

That house, which had been a nest for just the two of them, Lee Taerok and himself, felt frightening today.

∞ ∞ ∞

As soon as they arrived home, Nanyoung fled straight to his room. Behind him, Lee Taerok let out a low sigh.

He couldn’t not know how much Nanyoung had been watching him, maintaining silence ever since the car. Because he had looked at him like a guilty puppy, sneaking glances sideways and showing the whites of its eyes after committing a misdeed.

Lee Taerok headed toward Nanyoung’s room. Through the door came the sound of water pouring from the showerhead. Nanyoung had left the door open on purpose, so that Lee Taerok could hear. Meaning, I’m showering, so don’t come in.

Was showering a reason he couldn’t enter?

Not at all.

On the contrary, Lee Taerok strode right in.

Standing silently under the pouring stream of water, getting soaked, Nanyoung was greatly startled by the presence. Lee Taerok was coming in, taking off his clothes.

“I-I’m showering right now.”

“Shower, then.”

Lee Taerok went and stood behind Nanyoung. The water was excessively hot. Lee Nanyoung had sensitive skin. It was already flushing pink, cooking him. Lee Taerok turned the lever to set it to an appropriate temperature, and his arm tapped Nanyoung’s shoulder, tap, tap. At each touch, Lee Nanyoung trembles.

“Because I’m going to shower too.”

As if this spacious house had only this one bathroom. Lee Nanyoung, about to protest, had no sooner turned his head than his chin was seized by Lee Taerok and swallowed up just like that.