Chapter 40
“Danna…?”
I cried out brightly when I saw Mother, who had finally regained consciousness.
“Mother!”
Mother looked around her surroundings in confusion. It seemed she had no sense of how much time had passed since she fell asleep last time.
I checked Mother’s condition and was about to call for a physician immediately. But it was already the middle of the night, and rather than being comforted by me, it was Mother who soothed my flustered self.
“Danna, it’s all right. Mother is fine, so will you tell me how much time has passed? And what happened while I was asleep…?”
I hesitated, but eventually sat down beside Mother. Then I began telling her the long story.
It was nothing more than telling her again about everything that had happened over the past few days, but I was so happy that Mother was listening that I became more and more animated as I rambled on.
“…And so they’re going to the Namgung Family soon. I don’t know when they’ll come back once they leave this time, but they’re preparing quite thoroughly, so I think they intend to stay for a long while…”
“Aren’t you going?”
I froze.
“You’re serving Miss Xiao, aren’t you? If she goes, you’ll have to go too, won’t you?”
“Ah, well…”
I hesitated. At first, I was going to say, ‘How could I go anywhere and leave you behind?’ But for some reason, I felt that if it were Mother, she would probably tell me, ‘Don’t worry about me and go.’
So I exaggeratedly shook my head as if it were nothing and said,
“Come on, why would I go there? Do you know how far Anhui Province is from here? Even riding a horse all the way there would be hard enough, and I’d have to accompany Miss while traveling that far. Ugh, I absolutely can’t do it. I’m perfectly satisfied as things are now, and besides, just staying here alone with you is much more…”
“You want to go, don’t you?”
“……”
“You want to go. Don’t you?”
My words caught in my throat. I stared blankly at Mother.
Mother gazed into my eyes and gave me a gentle smile.
“Danna.”
“Yes…”
“My dear.”
“……”
“I want you to do what you want to do. I don’t want you to live a life tied down by someone, always worrying about what they think. I want you to live freely, doing whatever you want.”
“……”
“It may just be a selfish desire of mine. But…”
Mother looked down at our clasped hands. A trace of sadness passed through her lowered eyes.
“I want you to be happy.”
Mother lifted her head again and was simply smiling kindly. But that fleeting darkness I had seen continued to weigh on my heart, so I spoke seriously.
“Me too. I want you to be happy too, Mother.”
“Yes.”
“That’s why I can’t go. You know how precarious your condition is right now. I can’t leave you behind, but even if I took you with me, I don’t know if your body could endure it…”
“That…”
Mother hesitated for a moment. Then, with an unusually peaceful expression, she said,
“It’ll be all right.”
“What?”
Mother continued.
“For the first time in a long while, my body feels so light. I feel strength throughout my entire body, and my mind is so clear that I feel like I could do anything right now. Truly, it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way…”
I could only tilt my head in confusion as I watched Mother speak as though she felt strangely relieved.
Mother had been right. Because after that, Mother did not fall asleep.
Instead, she was clearly much better than before. She could even support herself and eat rice gruel by herself.
I was so overjoyed that I practically bounced as I asked Physician Jeong,
“Is Mother getting better? Her illness really is improving, right?”
“Who can say? Her condition seems to be the same as before, but…”
Physician Jeong hesitated before saying,
“Let us wait and see for now.”
Physician Jeong looked worried, but I was far too excited to notice his expression.
And that day, Mother said,
“Danna, shall I go with you too?”
“What?”
Mother smiled gently.
“You wanted to follow Miss, didn’t you? It’s been weighing on my mind that you couldn’t go because of me… But now that my body is feeling better, I thought perhaps I could go with you. Though I don’t know if the Estate Master will allow it.”
I quickly said,
“He will! Miss said she’d talk to him, so there’s no doubt about it! But are you really all right, Mother? It might be difficult for you!”
“Hehe, are you that happy? Of course. I’ve already told you several times. I said I’m overflowing with strength.”
Mother laughed aloud and said,
“Let’s go together.”
I cried out with a radiant smile.
“Yes!”
Then I immediately went to Miss and told her the good news. As expected, Miss was delighted too.
“Really? That’s great. I’ll talk to Father properly. He’s never refused me when I’ve asked him for something. And even if he says no, well, I can just throw a fit and say I won’t go either. Father knows how stubborn I am, so he’ll probably allow it.”
That was true. Miss certainly wasn’t ordinary when it came to stubbornness.
But I hadn’t expected her to go this far, so I inadvertently muttered,
“Wow, you’d really go that far for me? I guess Miss really wanted to go together with me…”
“……”
“Miss, were you really that worried? Worried enough to fret over what you’d do if I really didn’t come? Worried enough to stay awake all night, pacing back and forth? Worried enough to soak your pillowcase with tears while praying to Heaven and Earth for help?”
“Will you shut your mouth?”
“Come on, why are you embarrassed? I know everything that’s in your heart. That pure devotion of yours, wanting to be together with me for the rest of your life… Ah, all right! I’m joking!”
Seeing her trembling fist, I quickly backed away.
Then, feeling awkward for no particular reason, I scratched my head before quietly confessing what I truly felt.
“I’m happy too. That I can go together with Miss.”
“……”
Miss froze, then abruptly turned around.
She muttered gruffly,
“…Enough.”
Seeing Miss’s reddened earlobes, I grinned.
Everything was proceeding almost suspiciously well. Just as she had confidently promised, Miss immediately went to ask the Estate Master for permission.
Fortunately, the Estate Master readily agreed. He even reassured me, saying that he would make every accommodation for us.
Mother was delighted when she heard the news as well. She even said,
“Danna, when someone shows you kindness, you have to repay that kindness.”
We became busy.
There was no shortage of things to prepare for our unexpected addition to the traveling party. And yet, strangely, even though we were constantly busy, it didn’t feel tiring.
The closer the date came, the more my heart raced.
‘I wonder how much fun it’ll be?’
Mother’s illness is getting better.
Miss will become healthier from now on.
As we travel around from place to place, we’ll have all sorts of experiences. I’ll tease Miss, and Mother will lovingly scold me.
And then we’ll live happily ever after for a long, long time.
…I wish that was how it had turned out.
“Mother, Mother?”
Why hadn’t I realized?
That the fact that everything seemed to be going smoothly could, conversely, mean that nothing was going smoothly at all.
“Mother, please. No, please, ah…”
When I thought about it, not once in my entire life…
“No!”
…had anything ever gone smoothly.
***
When I came to my senses, Physician Jeong was standing in front of me.
His expression was darker than I had ever seen it before.
‘What is it? Why does he look like that?’
“Child.”
At the physician’s low voice, the memories that had been clouded began to return.
‘Ah, that’s right.’
I had been on my way home, as usual.
I was carrying the nourishing food Miss had specially given me, telling me to take good care of Mother, and I was practically running home while imagining Mother enjoying the delicious meal.
But when I actually arrived, the house was eerily silent.
I called for Mother several times, but there was no answer.
Suppressing the unease rising inside me, I went to the bedroom.
Mother was asleep, as usual.
But her pale-blue face and completely motionless body filled me with an ominous premonition.
With trembling hands, I placed my fingers beneath Mother’s nose.
‘Her breath… I can’t feel her breathing.’
After that, I don’t remember much.
Did I frantically run to bring Physician Jeong?
Did I clasp my hands together and pray while the physician went inside to examine her?
And now, the physician had come out of the room…
“How is Mother?”
“……”
“How is Mother? Is she all right? Her illness… Has her illness gotten worse again? She’s… she’s just sleeping right now, right? Isn’t she?”
“……”
“Why… Why aren’t you saying anything? Physician, please tell me. Mother…”
“Child.”
Physician Jeong spoke calmly.
“Your mother has not passed away yet.”
“…! Then.”
“But…”
Physician Jeong let out a deep sigh.
“You should prepare yourself.”
I froze.
“As expected, those symptoms were ‘hoegwangbanjo’… the brief return of vitality before death. She merely regained her strength for a short while right before dying. Now even that vitality has run its course. In truth, it’s practically a miracle that she’s still breathing even now. I don’t know what’s making her hold on like that…”
Physician Jeong trailed off as he glanced at me.
Then he closed his eyes and shook his head.
“Now, you should stay by her side.”
“……”
“You should say your final goodbye.”
At the physician’s words, I stared blankly at the bedroom door.
I wanted to open that door.
I didn’t want to open it.
With those two conflicting feelings tearing at me, I slowly approached the bedroom.
Creak.
The door opened, revealing Mother.
Mother, lying on the bed like a corpse.
‘I can’t go in. I can’t stay. I can’t endure this. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t look at Mother. Hurry, hurry, I have to get out of here…’
“Danna…?”
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