Sunshine Shower Chapter 121

Insomnia wasn’t unfamiliar.

When did it start? Woo Yeonjae pondered. He first became aware of his inability to sleep properly back in England. At first, he thought it was just a matter of adjusting to the time difference, but it didn’t take long to realize that wasn’t the case.

He could only sleep when his body was exhausted or when overwhelming fatigue hit him. Of course, there were other times when he managed to fall asleep. Occasionally, when news about Moon Seoyoon reached him, he would enjoy somewhat restful sleep. It was likely because he felt reassured that Seoyoon was doing well.

The insomnia improved after about two years. Though it returned after the semester began, whenever Moon Seoyoon stayed at his officetel, Woo Yeonjae could sleep peacefully.

That signaled the return of his insomnia.

Woo Yeonjae sat on the bed, staring intently out the window. It was the room that let in the most sunlight. As if a sudden shower hadn’t just passed, raindrops began to cling to the window again.

He sat quietly and thought of the bed’s rightful owner.

“You’re the one who said first loves are nothing.”

A calm but firm voice still echoed in his ears.

He never imagined he’d get his words thrown back at him at that exact moment. Woo Yeonjae quietly held his breath. Not realizing he had stopped breathing, describing the moment as “quiet” wasn’t inaccurate.

What happened after that?

When Moon Seoyoon asked him to leave, he had no choice but to turn around and walk out. He wanted to grab Seoyoon and ask if he was really his first love, but he feared that touching him would cause him to crumble into pieces, so he couldn’t.

Besides, if he took even one step closer, it was obvious Seoyoon would immediately retreat. The remnants of the shattered perfume would dig into his bare skin, leaving scars.

And so, Woo Yeonjae stood in front of the tightly closed door for a long time. Unlike the officetel that easily opened to protect Moon Seoyoon, this door stayed firmly shut.

From then on, nothing had changed. To be precise, it wasn’t much different from how he was before he came to the dormitory. He was used to the insomnia, so it didn’t bother him much, but the headaches that picked at his brain were irritating. In between the headaches, gloomy and dark thoughts would creep in.

At those moments, Woo Yeonjae would move his body. While the mess in his head didn’t change, he could at least suppress the urge to burst out.

“Do you want to sleep with me that badly?”

A voice, filled with laughter and a trace of sarcasm, seeped in again. His memory flashed back far.

He had been aware that he was being irrational. But the moment he discovered the unfamiliar scent Moon Seoyoon carried, his reason slipped away. The best he could do was not to grab Seoyoon and push harder. If the owner of that perfume had been present, this time, he would have certainly caused an incident.

“Hah.”

The words “we’re not in that kind of relationship” came to mind. It wasn’t something he immediately accepted. His cold, calm head was only now grasping the situation. The gaze that met his squarely was no lie, so the statement that they weren’t just friends with benefits couldn’t be a lie either.

Even so, it didn’t bring him any peace of mind. It was only natural. From the moment Moon Seoyoon declared he wanted to break away from him, Woo Yeonjae hadn’t felt at ease.

“Damn it, what does ‘stop everything’ even mean?”

In the end, he threw out the question that had been gnawing at him.

“All of it.”

The answer was clear.

All of it. Stop everything.

A sharp pain raked through his head. He was trying to redefine their relationship, but Moon Seoyoon had declared a complete end.

The only reason he proposed a romantic relationship to his one and only childhood friend was because he thought it was the reasonable thing to do.

Saying he would stop liking him, walking out of the officetel—both were actions that meant Seoyoon had no expectations of him anymore. But Woo Yeonjae knew one thing for certain. No one lives without expectations. It’s just that people try not to expect anything because they know those expectations won’t be fulfilled.

That’s why he thought starting a romantic relationship would solve everything.

It was completely natural for feelings of affection to be accompanied by the expectation of a romantic relationship. Knowing each other better than anyone and even having been physically intimate, Woo Yeonjae thought dating wouldn’t be that difficult. In fact, he even felt that such a relationship could provide Moon Seoyoon with some stability, and that wasn’t a bad thing.

“Plus, I’d have the right to intervene.”

Woo Yeonjae had no reservations when it came to anything related to Moon Seoyoon. Korea was a conservative country, so they could always live in the U.S., and as long as Moon Seoyoon didn’t grow tired of him and run away, Woo Yeonjae was confident they could live like that for the rest of their lives.

What mattered wasn’t the name of the relationship between them, but the connection itself.

“Is it… easy for you?”

But why did Moon Seoyoon react that way?

It wasn’t a suggestion he made lightly.

A lover’s relationship is often framed as a more intimate one than friendship. Naming their relationship as such would allow him to bind Moon Seoyoon closer without reservation, but even so, it was a difficult decision for Woo Yeonjae.

When Moon Seoyoon told him he liked him, Woo Yeonjae couldn’t quickly conclude where their relationship was headed. There were many things to consider when changing the name of a relationship. While friendship could last as long as one person put in the effort, love couldn’t.

A romantic relationship, in fact, was a choice that came with the risk of Moon Seoyoon growing tired of him and breaking up.

Yet despite shouldering all that risk alone, Moon Seoyoon had looked hurt instead.

“You were the one who said first loves were nothing.”

That was, in the end, the same as saying he could quit.

“Damn it…”

His stomach churned again. Even though he hadn’t eaten anything, it felt like he was going to vomit, as if the scent of the shattered perfume still clung to his nose.

Woo Yeonjae staggered to his feet. He needed to take some medicine.

As he reluctantly walked out of the space he had given to Moon Seoyoon, he noticed the raindrops starting to streak the window. From the high-rise, the sky was clearly visible. The rain was beating down on the window with considerable force, yet the sky remained a bright blue, just like when the brief sunshower had passed moments earlier.

The memory of Moon Seoyoon’s calm confession once again flooded his mind. It was inevitable. Since that day, the memory had relentlessly clung to him.

What were you thinking at that moment?

The sunlight pouring through the window was so bright that Woo Yeonjae squinted. Still, he couldn’t tear his gaze away—it was because Moon Seoyoon came to mind.

The childhood friend he met at the age of six had completely altered the course of his life. Woo Yeonjae didn’t want anyone to discover how unusual he was, nor did he want to make people act cautiously around him like adults did. So, he tried his best to behave like a decent friend.

Living up to certain standards was easier than he expected. All he had to do was follow Moon Seoyoon.

Whether it was because of his naturally gentle nature or not, Moon Seoyoon was calmer compared to the rowdy boys. By trying to mimic that, Woo Yeonjae was able to suppress his own nature to the point where he could choose the right words and actions.

And so, Moon Seoyoon became Woo Yeonjae’s guiding star—ever since their first meeting at the age of six.

Whether it was a sunshower, drizzle, or mist, he was always like the sun shining in the sky. Maybe that’s why Woo Yeonjae could never fully possess him. He was too dazzling and beautiful to lock away. Even suppressing his own nature, Woo Yeonjae found him bearable only because of that.

Woo Yeonjae slowly blinked. The remnants of the sunlight seeped into his retina.

He vividly remembered the moment when the shadow beneath his feet transformed into pure joy. It was the moment when Moon Seoyoon turned away from the piano and smiled brightly at him.

How can someone smile like that? Does everyone make that face when they like someone?

The moment Woo Yeonjae realized that Moon Seoyoon had only him left, the emotion that consumed him was a crazed ecstasy that enveloped his entire body. The feeling that pierced through him in that instant was distinctly different from the emotion Moon Seoyoon had shown.

I can’t make that kind of face. Should I at least try to imitate it? If I learn it from Moon Seoyoon again…

Woo Yeonjae frowned slightly. A forgotten truth suddenly flashed in his mind.

In his pursuit of Moon Seoyoon, in pouring all his attention into him, he had forgotten that he was different from others.

“Hah.”

As his lips curled into a slight smile, a low laugh slipped out.

Woo Yeonjae had learned many things from Moon Seoyoon. He had picked up everything from his childhood friend, excluding the norms created by society, so it was no exaggeration to say that he had learned almost everything from him—especially when it came to emotions.

He carefully observed when Moon Seoyoon smiled, how he smiled, and learned to smile like that by watching him closely.

But he couldn’t have learned everything through him. There were certainly emotions that Moon Seoyoon had never shown him—like unrequited love.

It was an emotion that had been hidden deep, away from Woo Yeonjae’s notice. No matter how perceptive he was, it was impossible to quickly recognize an emotion he had never encountered before.

Woo Yeonjae came face-to-face with Moon Seoyoon’s unrequited love purely by chance. Had he not begged him to play the piano, he would never have known.

He immediately sensed the unfamiliar emotion that had been a blank slate for him until then. Moon Seoyoon’s face, smiling at him, was so imbued with affection that it was impossible not to notice. The smile, laden with feelings of affection, was overwhelmingly enchanting. It was so blatantly obvious that even a third party could clearly see that it was the expression of someone in love.

That’s why Woo Yeonjae hadn’t realized his own emotions. Moon Seoyoon had always been his benchmark.

He had believed that feelings of affection were inherently beautiful.

Just like the moment when Moon Seoyoon played the piano under the sunlight, smiling at him, radiating such affection that it was impossible not to notice the emotions beneath that smile.

However, the emotions Woo Yeonjae felt toward Moon Seoyoon weren’t of that beautiful kind. In any of the emotions Moon Seoyoon had directed at him, he had never found anything that resembled his own. That’s why it had never occurred to him that his feelings might be similar to Moon Seoyoon’s.

Woo Yeonjae continued staring into the sunlight, ignoring the brightness seeping into his eyes, as if trying to find something within that formless light.

Once again, he retraced the emotions Moon Seoyoon had shown him. He searched for any emotion he had not yet learned, anything remotely similar to the feelings he had harbored for Moon Seoyoon since he was six years old.

He also wondered what other people called the possessiveness and impulses he felt.

Suddenly, he had a thought. Feelings of affection couldn’t always be as radiant as the ones Moon Seoyoon had shown him, right? If they were always that beautiful and perfect, the word “breakup” wouldn’t exist in this world.

His frowning expression slowly relaxed, at the same moment he accepted a new emotion that had never existed in his life until now—a feeling that could keep him holding on to Moon Seoyoon.

Stories of people killing or committing suicide for love swirled in his mind. Thinking about it, love was not always a beautiful emotion.

It was then that Woo Yeonjae finally realized the raw violence that existed beneath the surface of love.

“Ah…”

Facing the sunlight in his wretched state made him dizzy. Perhaps it was because something massive that he hadn’t been aware of for 17 years had suddenly overwhelmed him.

Woo Yeonjae staggered like a man defeated by the sunlight and collapsed onto the bed. His body, tense from days of heightened anxiety, crumbled in an instant under the weight of his newfound realization. His large frame crumpled onto the bed.

“Hah.”

As soon as he realized how foolish he had been, a hollow laugh escaped his lips.

At last, he reached a conclusion.

Maybe the feelings he had were similar to the ones Moon Seoyoon had so calmly expressed.

It didn’t matter if they were far from being beautiful emotions.

There was only one thing that mattered.

“If I feel the same way…”

Then there’s no reason for us to stop.